Parents in small steps

Let us try together to reflect and imagine ourselves as parents, what would be our greatest fears? What is the fear that causes our heartbeats to increase, making our breathing become labored? The fears may be many, but a parent’s greatest worry is that of committing harm that may leave wounds, which over time become scars! And which in the past, when we were little, even touched our own skin. Becoming a mom or dad therefore means looking back, comparing ourselves with the parents we had and the children we were. Treasuring every aspect, positive or negative, encountered in the journey of life. There is no manual to follow and no recipe for being a good parent. However, what we do know, thanks to the research and studies conducted so far, is that there are ingredients that cannot be missing in the family educational recipe. A recipe that each of us enriches with those ingredients that we have experienced as positive in our past, leaving out those that we have perceived as mistakes made against us.

A first ingredient is undoubtedly love. Necessary and essential in order to be able to grow, under our child’s feet, solid roots that will sustain him or her when he or she is swept by the gales and storms of life. But also to enable him to reap all the important nutrients for flowers to bloom and fruit to grow. Thus helping him not to feel neglected or, even worse, left to his own devices. Situations in which, in many cases, the child will come to engage in maladaptive behavior.

Often, however, in a recipe the ingredients should not be put in one at a time, but it is necessary to integrate them. And that is what happens with the second ingredient, dialogue. We wonder who our child will become, what his or her desires will be and what paths he or she will take, and often we cannot give ourselves an answer. But through active listening, free of prejudice, we will be able to discover a wonderful world: the world of our child. This discovery will only be possible through dialogue, listening and acceptance; if these are lacking, it is likely that the child will find himself lost, triggering a spiral that will lead him to withdraw, isolate himself and feel alone. With the perception that a rift is being created under his feet that makes him feel unstable and distant from his family.

In addition to love and dialogue, rules are also fundamental. When faced with various situations, perhaps repeatedly, frustration sometimes leads us, almost out of exhaustion, to be too good. This is a double-edged sword; the “yes” that is uttered opens the way to new possibilities, but turns us away from the “no.” Equally important and necessary to be able to build a container to protect us from what life stirs within us. A final possible ingredient is play. Being a parent means finding ourselves in a reality where pleasure and duty coexist, and this coexistence is possible precisely because of play. A springboard for diving into the childlike world within us, approaching our children wearing a veil of lightness.

The fear of being wrong should not freeze us; error is allowed and with time can be forgiven. These ingredients are not meant to be certainties written on the stone of truth. There is no recipe for being perfect parents. What we have seen together are simply stimuli and pointers to be able to help you open new windows and tear down old walls. And it is only right that everyone can calibrate their own recipe according to their own needs and requirements.