An empty nest

One becomes a mom and dad the moment the mind and heart begin to even imagine it, the moment the desire, the thought, the plan develop. Some parenting comes unexpectedly or materializes immediately, others need time. Still others encounter a thousand obstacles, large and small. Along this road, one might encounter a much-feared diagnosis: infertility. Thus, many couples faced with such a condition find themselves in difficulty. Everything is turned upside down. Shock, disorientation, despondency and grief: this is what the couple may feel when faced with this diagnosis, finding themselves living in denial, anger and sadness that they cannot conceive.

It is a loss, difficult to understand, to accept and to share. One loses hope, because the fantasy of the imagined and desired child is something increasingly distant and, at times, unattainable. But also lost is the identity of parenthood, with the knowledge that one cannot naturally fulfill that strong desire.

This affects not only the two prospective parents, but also the couple itself. The climate may be tense, the partners may isolate themselves and not talk about what they are experiencing, lest they suffer further or hurt the other. Or, the search for a child will be so central that it will cancel out all other couple planning, stifling it, because everything is suspended while waiting for this desire to be realized. This is the price that some people may even feel is necessary to pay. The present, so cumbersome and anxiety-inducing, cancels out the past and blurs any future. Endless waiting, a feeling of emptiness and loneliness, with the perception of being

Constantly fighting against time. Emotions, ideas, and initial images change. The ideal collides with the real. Hope fades, the whens turn into ifs, pleasure into fear, and expectations into doubts. One loses, thus, balance, as an individual and as a couple. And this has consequences for the system around them as well: a child who will never have another sibling, a parent who will never become a grandparent, a brother or sister who will never become an aunt or uncle… Such a situation frightens, powerless and destabilizes, even to the point of denial. The moment this happens, we cannot change the cards that life puts in our hands, but sometimes the only and painful option is to play them as best we can. And that is what a couple who is facing these difficulties can do, identifying the most appropriate alternative way to realize their dream.

The help of a professional might also be useful, to find a shared space, where we can listen and confront each other, redefining new projects to live together, to experience a new present and imagine a future. A professional who can also help redefine this moment, not giving it the power to determine the next chapters of our life story. As a person, as a partner, as a possible parent. Meaning not necessarily biological parenting, but also parenting that is present in other areas, such as in a teacher or a soccer coach, caring for kids. A social parenting, different in nature, but no less important.