Mom and dad separate

Separation is an event that overwhelms and disrupts. Each story is unique, each reaction is different, as are the ways in which it is handled. It can be a rubber band that snaps, a lightning bolt out of the blue, or a rainy day after a long dry spell. In some families talking about it is easier, in others less so. And when conflict is the protagonist, what happens in the hearts and minds of those involved?

“We’ve been fighting for months now that keeps us together is just the inertia of moving on. We fight every day … tonight he must have heard our screams … I’m afraid we’ll make him suffer …”

A parent might be afraid that he or she has failed, that he or she has failed to carry on the family. Or he or she might feel guilty, labeling (or being labeled) as the cause. For parents, therefore, it is not easy: they are the first ones to be in a situation of suffering, and because of this they may not be able to give the support they would like or they may not know how to handle things. Sometimes, in fact, when the pain is too great it immobilizes us, and in the rain we may need someone’s help to hold the umbrella up over the heads of those we love.

Born out of these difficulties are sometimes missteps and hesitations.

“How will we tell the children?” “What will they think that so, from one moment to the next, Mom and Dad will no longer live together?” As a parent, one might be afraid of causing unbearable pain for a child, especially a small one, and decide not to say anything: “Let’s pretend that everything is fine until we have made a final decision. He’s small, he won’t notice.”

Or, when fights are the bread and butter of everyday life, a parent might feel they are providing relief, thinking that if the two of them break up, no one will have to endure the screaming, the crying.

“I can hear their loud, angry voices coming from the other room. They scream so loud I can’t even make out the words. I’m afraid to know what will happen…”

For a child, everything becomes shaky, uncertain. In fact, to split apart, it is not only mom and dad, but it is as if a huge explosion breaks the family into a thousand pieces, scattering them here and there. As if suddenly one finds oneself thrown out of one’s history, one’s idea of family as one had lived up to that moment. A child may feel lonely, misunderstood, heavy or weak. Or accompanying it might be shame and anger at admitting to friends that their parents are no longer together. Feelings never experienced before that nevertheless have something incredibly strong in common: the pain they carry.

A son, in these situations, is often a silent, helpless spectator, hovering between the hope that everything will calm down and the certainty that this will never happen, convinced, at times, that the responsibility for what has happened is his: “Before we came to stay at grandma’s house they told me that I had made them angry, maybe I am to blame for all this?”

In a family, when no one says anything, out of fear, out of pain, everyone ends up convincing himself of his interpretation. He closes in on himself, almost as if playing a part. Separation, in fact, can make one feel distant from one another without one wanting to or, on the contrary, intentionally, with the idea that it is better that way for everyone. If there is no talking then no one really suffers. Then it is not talked about.

But the challenge is to reverse course, passing through the storm, yet taking into consideration everyone’s means and capabilities. It is thus then that it is possible to recognize that everyone has the right to be aware of what is happening, thus feeling seen and considered. Respecting even those who want to postpone this awareness until they are older, or simply, until they feel ready.

It is possible to make the unspeakable sayable, even when it hurts. Each in his or her own way and time, perhaps seeking out reference points that make us feel welcomed and understood, such as a sibling, a friend, a family member, or a psychologist.

And so, perhaps, the pain can change its form: from a wound to a slit, a crack from which to look at new horizons.