Between heart and mind: the struggle to express what we feel

Have you ever found yourself speechless and unable to express what you feel inside?

And maybe you felt “stuck” and in the grip of emotions?

Sometimes it seems that our body rebels against our mind: we would like to be relaxed and calm, but instead we feel agitated and confused, with a foggy mind and that strange feeling in the pit of our stomach. These sensations are the language of our emotions.

Emotions are a compass that provides us with information about how we feel, allows us to adapt to the environment and make connections with others. Each emotion performs fundamental functions and steers us in a specific direction: for example, following a loss or separation, sadness helps us slow down, giving us time to process the grief, while at the same time recalling the closeness of those closest to us. Or, when we perceive injustice, anger helps us to self-determine and set boundaries with the other.

In the way we communicate our feelings each of us is unique: there are times when we prefer to remain silent and others when we would like to share what we feel with those closest to us. Moreover, emotions are not always expressed through words: tone of voice, gestures and facial expression also play an important role. Or again, there are those who externalize their feelings through dance, sports, art, music, photography, crafts or any activity that allows them to get in touch with themselves.

Expressing our emotions is crucial as it allows us to communicate authentically and effectively in our relationships. However, this is not always easy and immediate. And often, in fact, we tend to hold back what we feel.

The way we recognize and manifest our emotions can be influenced by a number of factors, such as the context in which we find ourselves, our home culture, the people we meet throughout our lives, the family environment in which we grew up, and having had painful experiences. In families where the expression of unpleasant emotions such as anger, fear or sadness is met with hostility, minimization or indifference by parents, children learn that manifesting these emotional nuances is not okay. This may lead them to distance themselves from them or even suppress them, with the risk of later expressing them explosively or through the body. Going forward in time, as adults, in stressful situations, there where we feel we are being watched, the tendency will be to show ourselves “strong,” hiding our own fragility, which is considered a reason for shame and weakness.

Withholding our feeling and not communicating it to the other can have unpleasant effects on our psychophysical and relational well-being. For example, sleep disturbances, increased physiological vulnerability that may manifest in somatizations such as headaches, back pain, or gastrointestinal disorders may arise; in the relationship with the other, on the other hand, dissatisfaction, misunderstanding, and frustration.

Learning how to express and communicate our emotions to others are skills that can be trained. Psychological support can be helpful in encouraging getting in touch with one’s feelings and facilitating their expression.